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sweetdemon tho'ts
tho'ts on death

...these are words on wanting death, wanting life, feeling dead, fearing that death will come too soon, and knowing that it's all my fault.

SMELLS LIKE DEAD
in my brain
and in my night,
wailing banshees
attacking every cell -
and still, it
smells like dead
everytime you come close
everytime you unzip me
everytime you pull back the covers,
you know the horrifying stench
that's stronger than you are,
and you know that it
smells like dead
when you find me,
blue-lipped and frozen
and cracked and you know
how to gloss over the obvious
when you don't want to think,
and you do, too, don't you? yes,
and i know that it
smells like dead
when you pull me out of the dirt
and into the bath, and the
mud cakes onto your hands like
beauty -
and i love the ways your eyes look -
surprised but not; you knew it would happen.
and now you flinch at the repugnant
odor of me.

DOWNTRODDEN
i can't accept things,
yet i can't change them.
i'm sinking
under this heavy mass that is my
mind,
and i'm enclosed in this
great abyss
that has sprouted claws & fangs
and is eating me
alive.
but how can this be
when i'm already
DEAD?


INTRUSION
i'm falling asleep inside your appetite,
and you are getting sick,
feeling the disease trying to keep you
awake, but you need to fall deep within.
and as much as i try to settle into my
little cleft, you won't let me get too comfortable.
i try to make my presence known, but only slightly, like the evil worm in your happy red apple, ruining your whole meal.

AND SO IT WAS DONE
and out from the great sea of crimson & pink & blue, purple, black, came the demons - what beasts! with their violent claws and belligerent teeth. horns so sharp they'd break any seasoned matador. and i awoke, drowning amonst them - for there was not enough space to hold all of these monsters - and all were vying for the surface, just as i was. but i was no match for this gruesome & unyielding collection. and together, they realized that my absence would supply both the fuel and the catalyst for their survival.
and so it was done.
and so it was done