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sweetdemon tho'ts
present tho'ts

at this moment, i am thinking...

(this is intended to be a daily purge of these things that i can't push away...well, knowing me, it won't be daily at all. that would just take too much committment, of course.)

right-now tho'ts:

01/31/02, 22:50 - the process
right now, i am sure that i'm going insane. i can't think straight, i can't concentrate, i am angry, sad, freezing cold, and mad at myself that i don't use proper punctuation. actually, what the hell do i care. i know the correct form, but i just don't like to use it when i don't have to. imperfection is my friend. i want to crawl up inside a lil cubby hole, just like my cat, Frisky Sasparella, does. if i leave a coat on the couch, he immediately finds it, nests around in it, and then falls to sleep, purring so contently. i wish i could feel so content that i could purr. sometimes, i wish i was one of my cats. sometimes, i don't know what i'm talking about or why i'm even talking..uh, typing. sometimes, like right now, i find the idea of taking a shower painful. there is so much energy involved in the washing of my hair, that i have to talk myself into it. not that i want to be dirty or anything. i love to feel clean. but it's the process that makes my tired ache.

less & less:

04/22/01, 11:35 a.m. - wondering

as my icy fingertips say goodbye, i wonder what has become of me.  i wonder why i am the way i am, and why i am condemned to this prison.  sometimes, i bloody my digits, scraping, pulling, pushing, trying to get out.  sometimes, i just let it be, tired of changing the bandages.  the bandages won't save me now.  i've tried.  just let it go.  just let it go.  a mantra.  say it.  do it.  believe it.  i can't. i won't. 

 

more & more:

09/28/04, 11:20 p.m. - aching

shit, i haven't been keeping up with this.  just the occasional post (for some reason, some of my past posts are missing).  seems like i don't have the energy anymore.  seems like the depression is winning this war.  i'm so sick of feeling this way.  sometimes, i just wish i was "normal", and that i could just be happy, or even content.  i was discussing this with a friend today.  but i think more often than not, if i didn't analyze things so much, and if i wasn't afflicted with this disease called Mindfuck, then i wouldn't be who i am today.  not that who i am is anything to brag about, but at the same time, who i am is who i am.  it's not like i'd want to be anyone else.  heh, not even a happy girl, if it meant that i didn't see reality so deeply.  i guess i just wish that i could see this reality, but maybe just not let it affect me so.  i guess that would be the ideal thing.  fuck, i just recently turned 29, tho', and i feel like i haven't accomplished anything with my life so far.  yes, i know that i have done a few good things in my life, but i feel like my life is so stagnant right now.  as much as i despise change, i think i need it for my own good.  i'm working on that, tho'.  i recently changed jobs.  i'm not doing what i want to do, but maybe i'm doing what i have to do, and hopefully, eventually, that will allow me to do what i want to do.  yes, i'm still trying to get my book published.  and i'm trying not to seclude myself so much.  i still have trouble with it.  for instance, at work, it freaks me out to go into the break room, because there are so many people in there at once.  i even pass up smoking during my break because i get too nervous in the smokers' room.  however, in turn, that's a good thing.  i'm smoking less, even if it's only slightly less.  and because i don't go into the break room with the crowd, it's allowed me to develop a nice friendship and my one-on-one skills.  and what am i doing now?  analyzing things too much again.  ugg.  won't my brain ever stop?!  ok, ok, enough on that.  since i haven't updated in so long, i need to get on with it.  for those very few of you who read this blog, i know you're wondering about my crazy love life.  yep, i'm still single.  and yes, my ex still calls me when he's in crisis.  still says that i'm the only one who he can connect with.  hmm, and what do i tell him?  to go connect with the bitch he cheated on me with.  hehe, no, not really.  i try to help him as quickly as possible, and then end the conversation.  it's worked, i guess, b/c he doesn't call and bother me as much as he used to.  oh yes, and the dating scene...what a bitch that has been.  pathetic as hell.  let's see, in a years' time, i've had 6 dates with a total of 4 guys, and guess how many of them turned out to be jerks?  yep, 4 out of 4.  now, as i've said before, i know i don't *need* a man, but hell, i'm just curious, where are the decent guys?  oh wait -- they're either married, gay, or not interested.  hehe, ok boys, no, i'm not talking about all of you.  yes, i do have a lot of really good male friends.  no, i'm not male-bashing.  i guess tho', that all you good guys are hiding under rocks.  hehe, ok, well, i'm going to end this blog for now, because i'm tired, delirious, and i'm sure that i've bored the hell out of you.  so that's all from this end.  until next time -- love, me --- That One Girl.

 

10/06/04, 12:45 a.m. - perplexed

i hate mixed signals.  just be straight-forward with me.  let me know what you want, what you think, what you feel.  that's all i'm asking. 

 

10/07/04, 12:32 a.m. - my despair

as my naked body sinks down into this lake of decay,
i feel the sludge of my life rising.
at this point, there's no escape - i'm too far gone.
this hatred for myself is too thick, and my legs will no longer move.
rising, rising.
i gasp.
instead of air, i get a mouthful of this surrounding sickness.
inside and out, it's all the same.
what surrounds me and what fills me
is what paralyzes me and what kills me...

 

09/02/05, 20:49 p.m. - inspection

well damnation, it's been almost a year since i've updated this bitch, and a friend asked me to, so i am.  well, i turned the big 3-0 this year.  i've changed jobs again, and i feel very unfulfilled.  i don't think i've really felt like i was helping anyone since i was a caseworker for abused and neglected children.  of course, when i was doing that, i was working 16-20 hrs a day, and my personal relationships suffered.  and i was always bitching about the job.  but that's the last time i really felt like i made a difference.  i could fall off of the face of the planet and no one would notice.  that's how much of a difference i feel like i make right now - none.  anyway.  funny, i saw today that my site has had a whopping 78 hits this month, hehe.  not that i care.  well what else?  let's see, since last i wrote, my sister got pregnant, got beat up, moved into my house, and has now moved out.  my life is starting to return to normal now, after a whirlwind of craziness.  yes, i'm single.  and i'm ok with that.  but i do get lonely at times, and some male companionship would be nice every now and then.  but then, of course, that means i have to try to trust someone, try to let someone into my messed up little world...and that's hard for me to do.  i don't like being used, and so i put up this barrier in an attempt to prevent that.  sometimes i feel like it's damned if i do, and damned if i don't.  sometimes i think i just want to feel cared for.  i think that's a normal human instinct, but i've been feeling that a lot lately.  ok, enough of that.  i don't really know what else to write about.  there's not that much going on in my life right now.  i feel really blah about things in general.  i need some excitement in my life.  i need something or someone to wow me.  in the meantime, i'll just try to wow myself...well, that's all for now.  until next time....that one girl.